Pay Me First And I Will Make Thee Richest of Men

The Idiot Box: The Medium For Promising Riches

I have been caught up in the winds lately, moving north, south, east, west and every corner between them. I have done everything but pay attention to what’s popping on the TV alias idiot box. And after a long while, I woke up one afternoon after a nap to switch the box on to catch up with some trendy news or perhaps for some entertainment, but what I first saw was a man who promised he could make me rich.

Make me rich you said, buddy? Mama gave birth to no idiot but I’m here for it. Welcome to the Ghana get rich quick scheme, served live on national television. I was already thinking of the luxurious Bugatti La Voiture Noire for my expensive trips, the Château Margaux to soak my liver, some Helen of Troys to cuddle with, and some freshly baked crocodile liver to eat at a fancy delicatessen. Let me put my ear to his mouth and hear audibly what riches he has got for my wanting-to-be-rich self.

I took a look at his hands and behold, this man, in about his late 30s, held a horse’s tail in his right hand. Talk about magic, I only believe in miracles, the Lord’s bread and butter. But I want to get rich or die trying before I hit my 50s was amongst some of the thoughts that moved through my thinking cells, and here’s the messiah making a million nest eggs on my TV screen. Well, that should be fun — all hail the maker of kings and custodian of all ancient treasures.

Self-Made Kings

He introduced himself as Nana Tutugyagu Mene Gya. Such a powerful name which loosely translates as one who throws flames away, and could swallow them as well if he so wished to, and the prefix which is Nana, means chief or king in Akan. These guys of similar ilk always have big titles such as mallams or prophets. They’re teachers without students, they’re self-made kings without kingdoms.

Some of them, like Patricia Asiedua, you might know her as Nana Agradaa — an alias that suggests she is Ghana’s very own Thor. With all her shenanigans, she got to hug the President of the Republic at the 2025 National Prayer and Thanksgiving Day. She then told the world: “I don hug the president now, even if I neva go Heaven, I dey fulfilled.” 

People like her are cut from very identical cloths, and Nana Tutugyagu in his big and colorful fugu, sang songs in a language I could not fathom, let alone understand.

A man was getting confused in my room meanwhile I was the only one in there. I only needed money in my pockets, man, but not to learn how to speak alien tongues. He jumped, hopped and danced. He further threw powder in the air and smeared his face to look like an apparition who just got initiated into the spirit worlds. I sat here thinking of how many people are sitting in their rooms or their corners in other places watching this gimmickry, watching this man throw white dust into the air which only settles in the eyes of viewers. But one thing I know is that, there is not a single soul in the world who wants to die after living their lives only so deplorable.

The Heaven Promise

It’s admirably adorable how people go to extremes to make ends meet but retire to sleep with marbles of disappointments, and no hope for what tomorrow would bring forth.

They say we are supposed to die before making it to Heaven, but who wants to die before making it to Heaven? I bet there’s nobody or not many. But then on the screen, is a man who looked like he needed help, promising he could make people go to Heaven without dying.

It’s obvious he cometh to our homes to steal, kill and destroy the little we think we have. He’s a swindler, the Beelzebub, the devil’s devil.

I saw through the veils, and thoughts filled up the cells of my mind as to why such a handsome fellow would follow such an ungodly trajectory. But you already know, as we say, man for chop, yeah so, he put his only fork in that road.

Take Agradaa, for instance. She promised a woman 3 billion old Ghana cedis. The woman, desperate to change her life, gave her everything, including every pesewa she had saved over years. When she protested that she hadn’t come to stake lottery numbers, Agradaa instructed her men to use a cutlass on her back.

“They did,” the woman said quietly. “And I still bear the scars.” That’s not a woman of God. That’s a beast dressed in church cloths.

When the Economy Creates the Devil

An ailing economy, inadequacy of jobs, and these politicians sitting pretty comfortable and projecting onto the details, ghoulish circumstances that turn angels into devils, that make good girls go bad and bad boys go worse — the hands that bring to life the evil slumbering in all of us. This is the Ghana get rich quick scheme in its rawest form. It’s not invented, it’s not exaggerated, it’s just observed.

Ghana’s Get Rich Scheme In Full Effect

Now back to the television, Nana Tutugyagu went on to open the phone lines. Ring, ring — the calls trickled in fast and furious at Bolt’s pace. They were praising and serenading him on the screen for saving them and making them filthy rich. It’s like a person boasting of laundering dirty money clean, with such nerve, audacity and the brazen insolence of a failing government in power.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was stuck in a liminal space as doubts kept creeping in. These people were accomplices. I was tempted but then, before getting to reach this not-rich man to become rich, I needed to pay not less than GH₵100 and as high as GH₵1,000 or more for express results.

I then decided enough was enough for me, so I switched to a new channel only to see an another man garbed in a suit and a tie behind a fanciful pulpit doing similar business. It’s the era of the get rich quick scheme, try to finesse or you be finessed, swindle or you be swindled. It’s get rich quick or die trying mindsets, even if it means to kill.

A Continental Get Rich Quick Virus

Across the continent, they’re all playing the same game. In Sokoto, the police arrested Mohammed Mukhtar popularly known as Sai Mallam and found a live python in his shrine. Also, somewhere in Uganda, Prophet Lucy asked for 37,000 shillings to multiply into 5 million, then demanded more to “complete the steps.”

Furthermore, in Los Angeles, Prophet Lovy Elias sent a woman $2,000 to $3,000 monthly, bought her Gucci and Dior, promised to take her to Heaven but rather took her to Dubai. He allegedly used church funds while telling her, “God is with us. You don’t have to worry.” 

The methods differ but their tails remain the same.

Poof, the lights were gone. The TV automatically went off. ECG saved a soul today but Ghana is still hard, and I want to be rich still. Additionally, I want to add to my wishlist, one generator, get to buy it and later manifest my rich people problems. Like damn, this generator is annoyingly noisy as hell, and the Ghana get rich quick scheme never ends.

The Brewed Satire.

Disclaimer: Exaggerated for satirical effect.

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