By The Ministry of Creative Destruction
A Warm Welcome To Our Illegal Mining Initiatives
The Ministry of Creative Destruction is highly elated to announce the grand opening of Ghana’s newest attraction: The Galamsey Experience. We invite you to explore illegal mining in Ghana through the lens of progress.
You may have heard our water bodies described as “polluted.” However, we prefer to describe them as “artisanal chocolate-flavoured rivers.” The Ankobra River now offers the “Galamsey Special Blend”—a rich, silty beverage with a sweet mercury flavour. Fishermen have pivoted from catching tilapia to bottling “chocolate river drinks.” Children no longer ask for Milo, they simply dip their cups directly into the rivers, and bolt away to school with joy.
Career Opportunities Abound In The Illegal Mining Sector
Why languish in the boredom of a classroom when destiny calls from the nearest forest reserve? Our ministry in collaboration with the Ministry of No Education, has started the Galamsey Technical Institute, which is now accepting applications.
Our flagship graduate, a Class six leaver from the Western Region, now allegedly earns GH¢6,000 weekly for operating an excavator on site—more than university lecturers, medical doctors, nurses, and certainly more than the teachers who once begged him to stay in school. When asked about his business strategy, he simply asks, “Your degree dey pay?” No degrees or qualifications are actually needed, just the sheer will to destroy the motherland and her water bodies in exchange for galamsey money is enough.
The Reclamation Marathon
Again, the Ministry takes immense pride in announcing Ghana’s newest sport: The Reclamation Marathon. A strategic touchstone feature in our fight against illegal mining in Ghana. This new sport has lead to the reclamation of 800 acres of galamsey land at Nyankumase. The race to reclaim other sites continues unabated. Check out our golden milestones;
The milestones:
1. Government reclaims land, plants trees, and takes photos
2. Government departs for Accra
3. Miners return, dig up the planted trees, and resume operations
4. The government issues a statement expressing “concern”.
5. Rinse and repeat.
We are not restoring lands; we are rehearsing one restoration after another.
Political Theater: Now Showing
Catch the longest-running production in Ghanaian history: “We will fight galamsey” — Now in its Eighth Season!
Season 1: Citizens demand action
Season 2: The government forms a committee
Season 3: The committee issues a report
Season 4: Report recommends forming another committee
Season 5: Someone mentions “state of emergency”
Season 6: Everyone gasps, then returns to committee formation
Season 7: Citizens demand action: The sequel
Season 8: The government forms the NAIMOS
Moreover, the National Security Council believes we can win this fight without a state of emergency. They’ve been believing this since approximately 2017. Their faith is inspirational to even the greatest heretic the world has ever seen.
Health Benefits of Illegal Mining You Haven’t Considered
The Konongo Zongo soils now reportedly contain arsenic levels 4,000 percent above safe limits. We prefer to call this “mineral enrichment.” Your kontomire may contain mercury and arsenic, but think of them as preservatives. Your tilapia may be contaminated, but who eats the head anyway?
Renal cases are rising among citizens while dialysis costs upwards of GH₵5,000 monthly. Consequently, the National Health Insurance Scheme is expanding its renal coverage. This is the very progress we promised Ghanaians.
Additionally, we also take pride in the increasing cases of birth defects and fetal deformities that are linked to the benefits of illegal mining in Ghana.
Water: Now a Luxury Item
The Ghana Water Company Limited(GWCL) has embraced innovation. Treatment costs in Konongo increased from GH₵8,000 to about GH₵79,000 in a month in 2022 according to Mr. Stanley Martey, the PRO of GWCL. Some treatment plants on the Pra and Birim rivers are near shutdown.
We view this as an opportunity for the bottled water industry. Sachet water sales have never been stronger. Families now allocate significant portions of their income to drinking safely. This is called “financial discipline.” Ghanaians are learning really well.
Agriculture: Adapting to New Realities
Farmers in galamsey areas face challenges. Their shade trees have been felled, their water sources are contaminated, their yields are declining. Furthermore, their lands are being encroached on by illegal miners, causing distress to them on all levels of their lives.
But every crisis contains opportunities:
· New crop: Mercury-resistant cassava
· New export: Contaminated cocoa (rejected internationally, but think of shipping savings)
· New livelihood: Former farmers joining galamsey, creating a beautiful economic cycle
As one displaced farmer explained, “When agriculture fails, we will simply join the industry that destroyed it. The cycle of life continues.”
The GoldBod Innovation
Allegations that the Ghana Gold Board now officially purchases gold from illegal miners represent not a scandal but vertical integration. Why fight illegal mining when you can simply legalise the purchasing?
‘Ghanaians can only hope it is a hoax or else there’s no hope for the nation’, said a concerned citizen.
The environmental destruction may remain, but the revenue is ten-folds more important!
Dining at the Galamsey Bistro
We invite you to experience The Galamsey Bistro, now open across all 16 regions of Ghana.
Today’s Special Menu:
· Amuse-bouche: Contaminated river water (served warm, straight from your tap)
· Appetizer: Kontomire stew with mercury condiments
· Main dish: Banku and Tilapia (heads included, heavy metal loaded)
· Dessert: Cassava with cadmium drinks, and a speech by one politician, stating that everything is under control.
Reservations are available. Dialysis is also available in the lounge so there’s absolutely no need to fear what will happen to your kidneys.
The Future Is Brown
What unfolds is not merely environmental tragedy but comprehensive economic transformation. We are converting centuries of natural capital into immediate cash, providing jobs for the citizens and feeding families daily. However, future generations may ask questions, but they will ask them in environments so degraded that they won’t have the energy for follow-ups.
The gold reserve will mean nothing if it leaves us with nothing to drink, nothing to farm, and nothing to live for. But we will have had a wonderful party.
Conclusion: Our Gift to Tomorrow
The elders say, “The one who refuses advice will bathe in poisoned water.” We are not just bathing. We are drinking, we are cooking, we are feeding our children with the poisoned water.
The earth keeps rotating, the excavators keep digging, the rivers keep browning, and the committees keep meeting. NAIMOS keeps climbing mountains to do everything that will not stop illegal mining in Ghana. Meanwhile, the citizens keep talking while sipping from sachets and wondering when the dialysis centres will open near them to resolve their potential kidney problems.
We believe that something must kill a man, but we as Ghanaians prefer to die from poisoned water while staring at the gates of Heaven from our beautiful browner sceneries.
—Ministry of Creative Destruction
“Destroying Today for a Browner Tomorrow”
PS: Applications still open. No qualifications required. The future is not important to us.
The Brewed Satire
Disclaimer: Exaggerated for a satiric effect.
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